


Stairway to Heaven

by mark_my_words_tonight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depressing, It's just really sad, M/M, My boys are poetic, No Fluff, two thousand words of sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-09 14:09:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20996081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mark_my_words_tonight/pseuds/mark_my_words_tonight
Summary: Castiel has loved Dean since the moment he met him. And, finally, they're together but... All good things must come to an end. When Dean is in the hospital at the end of his life, Castiel has to deal with the pain of realizing that, sometimes, even angels are helpless.





	Stairway to Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Major angst! That's all this is.
> 
> This fic was basically me just putting my current emotions onto a page. I wrote all of this in one night and just decided to post it. I hope you all enjoy it! ^-^

* * *

Castiel has been many things. An Angel of the Lord, a soldier, a warrior, a friend, a guardian, a Winchester. No matter what you decide to label him, there is only one label that means anything to him. You would think it would be ‘Angel of the Lord’ but it’s not.

His angelic roots mean nothing to him. His days of being a soldier are as meaningless as blades of grass being shredded. The only title that has ever meant anything to him is Winchester. He watches over them. 

Or at least he did. 

But in any case, he’s proud to be the Winchesters’ brother-in-arms. Then, one day came that he became more than that. He was no longer Castiel, Angel of the Lord. He became Castiel, Dean Winchester’s angel. 

Nothing has ever meant more to him than that. 

His love for Dean has been a long-growing flower that bloomed two years ago on the dot. That was the day when he finally made Dean his. When he finally became a true Winchester. He had two years of the happiest days he’s had in his long, long life.

Two years of pure magic that he never thought possible. He never even dreamed of that beautiful, enchanting sense of happiness that was his life. But, of course, all good things must come to an end. 

_Beep. Beep. Beep. _

The steady sounds of the EKG bring him back into the real world. His hands are cold and slippery as they cling to each other in his lap. Dean’s lifeless looking body torments him from the sterile hospital bed. 

His throat is raw and his eyes are itchy from crying. He didn’t even know he could cry until now. It’s a very human thing, isn’t it? Angels aren’t designed to feel emotion. They’re not designed to cry. 

He was never supposed to fall in love with a human, however, he supposes he’s never quite followed the rules. It’s just as Naomi said, there’s a crack in his chassis. A glitch in his robot-like programming. 

He used to wish that he was normal. That he didn’t feel these complex things that humans call emotions. And now? Now he’s glad that he can feel all of it. The joy, the beauty, the sensation. Even the pain and torment that he’s endured have all been worth it because of the man lying in front of him. 

His humanity has always been a weakness but now he knows that it’s a strength. He braves a glance at the love of his life’s face. It’s cold and clammy, frail even. Those are the effects of cancer. 

It’s a disease that festers and spreads inside your body, wreaking havoc upon its systems. Cancer is dark and infectious in its nature. It’s a disease that should be long-eradicated. And yet it’s not. The worst part is that, in his human state, he is powerless to save Dean. His Righteous Man. 

The last way Dean ever expected to go out was cancer. He told Castiel that himself. Apparently, the man thought it would be ‘pedal to the metal’ until he died in a blaze of glory. Where’s the glory in this? 

Dean has slowly been wasting away for months. The bags underneath his eyes have gotten darker and heavier with each passing day. His body has gotten thinner and far frailer than Castiel thought possible. Dean’s once-powerful muscles have grown weak and decrepit. 

Castiel once thought that God - Chuck, he supposes - was all-knowing and self-giving. That he provided a fair, beautiful world for humans to live in. Even though he was aware of the flaws of the human world back then, he thought it was simply the human’s corrupt touch that ruined it.

But how could any fair world allow this to happen to Dean? His beloved should not be in a hospital bed fighting for his life because of this disgusting disease. He should be smiling and eating all the pie his heart desires. 

How is this fair? How can any world with a present god allow this to happen? These thoughts echo in his head. Rage fills him and he feels the urge to get up and scream until his voice is rough and hoarse. He wants to tear down Heaven block by wretched block until they finally agree to heal Dean.

He’s been praying for months but no angel will come to his rescue. The cruelty of his supposed family eats away at him. If only he had his Grace, he could fix everything! He could set the world right!

After all, there is no world without Dean Winchester. Not one that Castiel wants to live in anyway. Dean has been the only light in the darkness of his life for so long. He’s been his sun and stars. His world. 

And now his world is falling to pieces right in front of him. 

It’s all too much. In moments, he’s up and out of his seat. He throws open the door to Dean’s room in the hospital and storms out. His vision is blinded by tears as he rushes out of the hospital. In all honesty, he has no idea where he’s going, all he knows is that he has to keep moving. 

He runs until his body is weak and shaky. He collapses onto the cold, damp grass. The sky above him is bright and lit with glowing stars that seem to taunt him with their endless beauty. He wants to shout. He wants to cry out into the heavens and beg them to help him. 

Unfortunately, Heaven, Hell, the universe itself is cold and uncaring. How do humans live like this? How do they live each day with the weight of death hanging over them? Thinking of Dean in that hospital bed destroys Castiel.  
He can barely breathe, barely function. How do humans do it? How do they live knowing every day might be their last? Knowing that every day they could lose the love that they’ve fought so desperately for? 

Castiel’s heart aches as he lays in the grass. There are tall, dark pines lining the peaceful clearing. This is a place that he would have taken Dean for a picnic. This is a place he could have been very human indeed and asked Dean a question that lives in infamy. 

A declaration of love. 

Now he will never get to hear Dean’s answer to that question. He will never be able to slip a ring that shows their everlasting bond onto Dean’s finger. There will be no more sunny days. Only this cold, isolating feeling. 

He lies in the grass, feeling nothing whatsoever. And that’s how he stays. Perfectly numb. He cannot handle the overwhelming pain that rips into him whenever he thinks of his beloved’s thin face. How is he supposed to handle this? 

After eternities of knowing exactly what to do, this makes him feel like he’s drowning in hopelessness. He was supposed to be able to save Dean. That’s what he’s done all along, isn’t it? And now… Now he’s a failure through and through. 

He failed as an angel. He failed a soldier. He failed as _Dean’s _angel. All he has left is this desperate feeling in his chest. He wants to cling to whatever happy memories he has of his beloved, knowing that there may never be others. 

He feels a hot prickle in his nose and suddenly, tears start trickling down his face. That soft crying soon breaks out into sobbing. He cries out and thrashes on the ground, his heart breaking in his chest. 

Dean always used to tease him for how he said “Hello, Dean” whenever they saw each other. And now… Now only two words are echoing inside his head. _Goodbye, Dean._

\---

The funeral is the hardest part. Having to pretend that he’s perfectly fine even though the love of his life is dead and gone. And for good this time. Sam is a mess and has been since they learned of Dean’s cancer. Sam desperately began searching for a cure but… It was cancer. Humans are apparently quite fond of pointing out the impossibility of a cure for cancer. There was nothing to be done. Castiel realized that quite soon.

Back then, he simply wanted to make Dean’s remaining time comfortable and enjoyable. He vowed to help Dean with everything and be the angel he needed. Now, Dean Winchester, the love of his life, is simply gone and there’s nothing to be done about it. 

Dean’s death was quite sudden. One moment he was breathing and had a pulse, and the next… Nothing. The noise of that EKG will haunt him forever. A flat beeping noise that lives in his nightmares. 

Dean’s once bright green eyes that reminded him of apple orchards in the summer heat became cold and unseeing. Unfeeling. Those eyes, those freckles, that stubborn personality… All of it is… was what made Dean Winchester. 

Humans say that bad things happen for a reason. Well, Castiel disagrees. Bad things don’t happen for a reason. They just happen. One moment, you feel so happy that you could fly and the next, you’re drowning in an endless sea of despair. 

The worst part is that there is no rhyme or reason. There’s just that all-consuming pain. 

Now, six months after Dean’s death, he is standing at his grave. The sky is cloudy and dark. There is no sun, no chirping birds. Just a sense of sadness that permeates the air. Hot tears spill down his cheeks.

“Hello, Dean,” he croaks. “It’s been a while since I’ve been to visit. I… It’s not been easy without you. Sam is… He’s not doing so well and neither am I. We miss you._ I_ miss you. I miss your references that I never understood, even with Metatron’s knowledge. I miss your beautiful smiles and kind eyes.”

“I miss your jokes and the way you used to try to make me laugh even though it was a lost cause. I miss the way you brought light into my life. The way that you saw my darkness and decided to pull me out of it with a simple “Hey, Cas” and just made everything better.”

Castiel clears his throat, willing away the tears. “I know you wouldn’t want me to cry. It’s far too human. But I… I need you to come back to me. Please. I’ll beg if I have to. You’re Dean Winchester! You always come back!” Anger festers inside of him and begins to boil over. “How dare you leave me on my own?!” he yells. 

The blissfully empty graveyard consumes his screams into its emptiness. He balls up his fists. “I never even-” his voice breaks. “I never even got to say goodbye. Not properly. Not the way I wanted to, so you have to come back. Please just come back. I want to see you again. I want to feel you in my arms again. I want you to kiss me like nothing else matters.”

“I want to fall asleep with you. I want to brush your hair away from your forehead and tell you how beautiful you are.” He falls to his knees in the grass. “Come back to me,” he whispers, tears slipping down his face and onto the turned over ground marking Dean’s grave. 

After a moment, he stands up and wipes the tears away. “I’ll be back soon,” he says, his heart heavy in his chest. “Goodbye, Dean,” he whispers as he turns his back on his beloved’s grave and walks out of the graveyard. 

It’s never seemed right to say goodbye, however, now he has to. He clambers into the Impala and starts the engine. As he pulls away from the graveyard in Dean’s beloved car, he turns on the radio. 

Led Zeppelin's song “Stairway to Heaven” begins to play and the graveyard becomes a dot in his rearview mirror.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! As always, comments and kudos are appreciated! I love y'all and I hope you enjoyed this fic.


End file.
